Some days my brain is jumbled and overwhelmed with all the things – this blog, household chores, my cats, my health, doctor’s appointments, bills, the list goes on. Sometimes I feel like I cannot take a full breath to calm down and I end up having an anxiety attack. Those suck, hard. In these moments, I have to constantly remind myself to slow down, pause, and go easy on myself. I am my own worst critic. I am so hard on myself all the time that it gets exhausting trying to keep with the myriad of thoughts flitting through my head all the time.
Last August, I was fired from my last job for reasons unknown and because it was during my probationary period there was nothing I could do to fight it. I had no warning, no explanation, just a quick thank you and good bye. I was in tears before my now ex-boss even coldly left the room. This was my dream job and in the space of 5 minutes it was gone. I have gone over in my head about what I could have done wrong or what I could have done differently that would’ve allowed me to keep the job but came up short every time. The library team told me I was doing a great job. I had support from them in addition to the positive feedback, so it was an extreme shock when they let me go. I walked out the building feeling like I did something wrong. It was traumatic. I could barely function for months afterwards. I wanted to die, and to be honest, I think a part of me did. To be told I was not a good fit without them giving reasons why was heartbreaking. I loved being a librarian.
I was speaking with my therapist about that day and she reminded me that sometimes we will never get answers. Shit happens and we have to somehow keep moving, keep going, keep pushing forward. No matter how much it sucks, we need to pick up the shattered pieces of ourselves and find a way to put them back together. My therapist reminded me to give myself space and grace. Space to acknowledge and breathe around shitty thoughts and situations and grace to move past them. Those shitty thoughts and situations won’t last forever.
Now, with the help of some medications, instead of spiraling down the rabbit hole of ‘what if this’ or ‘what if that’ or wanting to die, I take a few moments to acknowledge the racing thoughts. They are there, they exist, my feelings are valid, and then I do away with them. I pack them in a box and throw them off a bridge. I have given myself mental space and grace to deal with troubling thoughts and emotions thus preventing an anxiety attack and/or a depressive episode. It takes practice but it’s doable. I’ve come a long way these past 8 months and I am proud that I don’t immediately spiral into depressive episodes or think about dying. I still have my struggles and I probably always will but with this new job and my blog I hope to spread awareness about mental health and chronic illness.
If you remember nothing else, remember this: give yourself space and grace. Acknowledge those troubling thoughts and emotions, move/discard them, and calm yourself. You are strong, important, and valid. Create a safety plan, call 911 if you need immediate assistance or call the suicide hotline at 988 or visit the 988lifeline website. Seek therapy. It has saved my life and hopefully it’ll save yours.
The Chauncey Life 